Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.

Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned

I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do

“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman

[tarot reader looks at my cards]

you’re gonna die clonking your head on something

Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.

You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…

They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?

They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.

ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant

NOBODY:

GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*

My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”

Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]

Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.

Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.

Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.

me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one

*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see

My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

[helps little old lady across street]

ME: so can I be in your will?

“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children

I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”

“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

so i’m at the stock market right

#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺

The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.

My god she’s good.

who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function

Wow my pants are really loose today

*skips to the nearest vending machine*

I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.

Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two