“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
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If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris