“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
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So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
I need a headline like this
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…