Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.

Negotiating with a 3 year old:

Me: pick out two books to read.

3yo: no five books!

Me: fine three books.

3yo: no five books!

Me: no one book!

3yo: no TWO books!

Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.

My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent

(Me playing guitar)

3: Daddy what’s this song called?

Me: Going Nowhere.

3: I know that but what’s this song called?

Burned by a 3yo.

Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.

The Fast and the Furious.

– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.

Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right

127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can

A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.

i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”

burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh

[shark tank]

Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight

Mark cuban: no

Me: look no further

me when the borders lift

Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane

[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!

When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’

don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄

[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*

I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.

Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.

I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that

Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”

Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands