Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.

*me to my dog.

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.

Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!

My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.

Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave

Me *sneezes*

My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF

Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.

a test & 10-day waiting period before you can use an apostrophe

Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]

I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant

May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:

The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.

What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with

Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.

Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?

PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room

WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO

Headlines With Threatening Auras.

i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me

I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.

a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press

I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*

me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess

There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.

Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”

Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.