“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
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Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?