So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
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random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Smile they said.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that