Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.

[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money

To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”

But on he worked.

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”

her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?

*pulled over by cop*

Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?

*tags cop*

Me: You’re it!

Cop:

Me running away: Renewed!

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

*sends epic tweet*

[no likes 3 hours later]

*waits 2 weeks, sends again*

[no likes 1 day later]

*starts typing*

NSA: dude, let it go

Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.

Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit

excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though

[reading Harry Potter]

Me: Do you know what’s going on?

3-year-old: He went to lizard school.

I’d correct her, but her version is better.

Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.

Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.

*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER

Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere

What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?

In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”

My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.

Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.

Me: Dad, am I adopted?

Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?

FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.

Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.

if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial

if you were born after 2005 you are gen z

if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas

After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.

What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?