So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
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does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.
Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
In high stakes spycraft, no one suspects the clumsy woman. They call me The Black Oops.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
get you a girl who
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?