So how much budgie food do you actually want?…
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The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.