So how much budgie food do you actually want?…
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It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.