So how much budgie food do you actually want?…
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Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Velcrow
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.