Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*

*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*

*sips wine*

me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that

I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.

My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.

I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.

haha same

Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark

Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:

I’m mad and sad and doing very bad

Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?

Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.

Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!

developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.

It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.

[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.

sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.

You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.

Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.

Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.

Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.

day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me

Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.

Judas has been acting weird the last few days.

Me: ‘Goodnight.’

Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’

sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.

[at 25yr class reunion]

Me: You haven’t changed at all!

Her: Hahaha, thanks

Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane

*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*

We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”

Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?

Kid: Yep

Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher

Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking

I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.

you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant

*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”

Only short people can save us

[church fundraiser]

me: *takes out a $100*

priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child

me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?