Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.

When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me

An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”

When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.

Placation.

If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

oh you hate me? name all of my flaws

Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill

[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.

me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

decorating my apartment

Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.

Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.

WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever

LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?

WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes

LAWYER:

WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy

LAWYER: …I have concerns

“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”

I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.

Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet

Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”

And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”

Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber

When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.

My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.

Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.