“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
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Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
#DesignFail
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
My dog after a walk in the woods.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points