Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.

[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*

Yes, I’m English.

No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.

me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body

“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!

My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor

a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.

I don’t consider myself a controlling person.

Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?

I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….

everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg

Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.

“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”

~Management

[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]

A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea

Me: *rocks boat*

Her: Hey!

Me: *rocks faster*

Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?

Me: I do.

When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug

I’m never leaving this app.

I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”

There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die

[Veterans Hospital]

GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?

ME: Haha, well…interesting story

I have two things hanging up in my office:

1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did

I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.

Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.

Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale

Wife: it’s adorable

Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.

them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg

me: try harder.

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.