“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
You Might Also Like
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*