“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
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A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS