So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
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[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
“Awkward silences are the worst”
*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.