Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Airport security]

Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes

Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.

Guard: Remove your shoes

It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

Short story

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.

waitress: are there any allergies at this table?

me, already drunk: POLLEN

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor

me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism

wife: shut up and take the trash out

An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?

Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks

Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks

Friend: Please don’t, please

Me: It’s about time

Ex-Friend: I’ve had it

[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]

That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”

If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂

Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.

My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?

“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”

*Snatches glass and hands to my wife

My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though

You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.

[First Date]

Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting

Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too

The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.

my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated

*gets in the bus*

*Brings out earphones*

*untangles*

*arrives*

*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*

Definition of Insomnia:

Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down

89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.

The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours

Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.