So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.
This is my life.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
No one:
London landlords:
in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
A man of commitment.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
