So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.
This is my life.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
mumsnet is amazing
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
