So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.
This is my life.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Taliband
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
