So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
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ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana