Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.

I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!

Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.

Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.

He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”

It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.

Any time I’ve ever told myself I’m saving a snack for later, “later” ends up being 2 minutes

“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”

HER: my water broke

ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues

Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!

Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.

I didn’t realize that was an option

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself

Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant

Hamburger Hinderer.

Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?

Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?

A plastic surgery slogan:

Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either

Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.

Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )

Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”

Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.

My dad installed a dash cam in my car at some point when I was home for thanksgiving and I found out when I turned my car on to go to target and a very clearly Chinese lady’s voice said “start recording” out of nowhere

Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter

*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*

i think we should see other cousins

I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

sigh

If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.

Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you