Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”

I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old

*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*

*silence*

Am I even in the right parking lot?

PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)

My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet

therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?

#Caturday

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

do you like my signals
I mixed them myself

*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*

If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff

[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.

just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended

God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.

Sloths: bro

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

[Tattoo on nuts]

Caution: May contain people

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day

Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:

“All sails are final.”

Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna

Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.

Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?

What did one toilet say to the other?

You look flushed.

#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes

Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body

My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream

“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”

After hand washing your cat, put up to dry

Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues

Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti