So I ate some gummy bears.
Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.
I ate exactly 37…
You Might Also Like
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
My teenage children choosing violence
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back