Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.

*a meeting somewhere*

“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.

“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.

“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]

“twice”

One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.

Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing

I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.

And they are appalled.

16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.

Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.

When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.

I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.

I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.

Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.

Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.

Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief

The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food

The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”

Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]

6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!

Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!

6yo: yeah ri-

Me: [collapses]

My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift

hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car

I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.

His name was Pikup Andropov.

Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-

Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!

My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.

Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.

Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer

Me: Make sure you close the bag.

My kids:

It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”

HR: Punching colleagues is wrong

Me: But he drank from my mug

HR: That doesn’t allow you to—

M: I’d just filled it with gin

HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—

M: —ger beer…

HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!

him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say

me: same

me: *drops banger tweet

them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers

me: *drops another tweet

them: oh, I see

took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.