So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
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Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
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gender is a sprctrum
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart