Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hand it over!

Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance

friend: make her feel wanted

me: okay

[later]

me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target

[first date]

Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.

Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.

Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!

Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.

they say humans share 50% of their DNA with the banana. for some of you i think that number is even higher

Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.

the battle rages on

I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“

…As if I plan on eating it.

washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out

My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.

Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.

Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about

Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.

Me: *lifts couch cushion*

6yo: what are you looking for?

Me: six thousand dollars

[rooster sits down in barber chair]

Give me a cockadoodledo

Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!

You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.

Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food

Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out

Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.

Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.

Co-worker: How are you today?

Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*

Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!

Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.

As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.

*a plane missed the runway

“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”

Where do turtledoves come from?

“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.