Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
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I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
sigh
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.