whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
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IRON MAN: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches