Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design

My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.

I said, try ordering Tacos instead.

Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.

someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”

You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.

Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.

[1st day working at bank]

BOSS: What are you doing??

ME: I gave that man a personal loan.

BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.

Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.

*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*

Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work

Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked

Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!

Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi

If you get butterflies in your stomach

You should probably stop eating insects

The lost art of being “wishy washy.”

A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.

I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.

[Sits on chair backwards]

Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.

son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?

i have never needed anything in my life more than this

Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?

1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated

At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian

You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler

I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.

My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..

..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!

Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.

Them: Good morning
Me: Where?

*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough

At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game

internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket