Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?

Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.

Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.

My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.

The first one, obviously

ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.

ME IN 2022:
Oh.

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.

BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star

In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline

me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”

“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]

Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul

Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??

Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.

[first date]

Him: Why are you being so distant?

Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?

If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.

Prosecutor: I object

Me: No, you a person

Judge: On what grounds?

Me: The courthouse grounds

Judge: I’m ordering you-

Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad

Judge: Bailiff, take him out

Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol

Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts

Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.

She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.

[in the bedroom]

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: whoops my bad

HER: and in my eye

ME: sorry I can’t control it

HER: have you ever painted before

If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo

Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?

Me: Drunk!

I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.

I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”

[in a crowded elevator]

ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.

Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”

Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.

Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”

Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like

Wife: those are our children

4: When will I stop growing?

Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.

4: But you still grow.

Me: No I don’t.

4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.

Me:

King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?

King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping