So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
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Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
no such thing as a dumb question
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food