“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
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The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Duolingo getting serious.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Body by Oreos
If at first you don’t succeed, try try again
“Sir we test parachutes here, don’t say that to people”
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus