Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not sure how to cuddle propawly

📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert

me: sure!

serial killer: r-really

me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy

serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-

me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!

I remember when all this was farmland!

*gestures toward internet*

The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower

I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.

What can I say, I really loves them big feet.

Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog

Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather

[Earlier]

Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies

HER: knock it off!

CAT: lol ok

Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher

She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home

INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?

BATMAN: I right things.

I: What do you write?

B: I Right People’s Wrongs.

I: Oh so you’re an editor?

Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing

My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location

Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one

The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.

I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.

A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.

I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..

H- you’d better get to a doctor

Me: It hasn’t even been a full day

H: what? It’s been two days

Me: how do you figure?

H: today and yesterday

Me:

I could win awards for having a bad memory.

In fact, I probably did. How would I know.

Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.

hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated

3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.

My snack didn’t taste very good.

Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch

I know. Life’s tough.

Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?

Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT

When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it

Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that

“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums