So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
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a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Good morning y’all ☀️
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
guys i’ve cracked the code
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon