So, I got banned from the toy store today…
You Might Also Like
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!