Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.

Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.

Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.

Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks

If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.

9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework

“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me

Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get

when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.

Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?

My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are

If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting

in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass

me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*

my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*

“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?

[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR

At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched

Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…

It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.

Amen.

I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.

I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.

amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”

You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha

Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.