So, I got banned from the toy store today…
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3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
pain
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Meow
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.