Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God

My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”

“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.

I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.

Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.

For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”

Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.

pirate: walk the plank

me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol

pirate: *drops sword* dad?

No I’m not feeling old when the first member of my son’s varsity football team from hs is getting married tonight.
Not feeling old AT ALL!

angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”

I highly suggest that you do not google that term.

my dad when a sex scene comes on

My recliner and I go way back

Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.

Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.

me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings

You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.

Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time

I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying

I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism

Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater

Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home

The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.

If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.

“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”

me at 10am:

When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”

…I am not a catfish.

Why am I like this?

yo who decided that the standard lullabies for children are about people dying of bubonic plague or baby cradles falling out of trees

I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’

A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.