So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
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SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
What makes us human?
Selecting all images with traffic lights
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
My son’s high school is holding golf tryouts today. We currently have 40mph winds. I’m bringing popcorn because this is going to be awesome.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.