Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?

People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.

Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact

Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*

Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…

Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.

Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.

Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.

Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.

Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.

I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it

3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?

Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.

[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more

[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.

I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that

[science fair]

Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner

Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest

Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting

Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??

The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.

Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.

In this essay, I will

*At demonstration

*grabs megaphone – stands on car

‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.

*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*

INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.

ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.

INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.

ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.

i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

Signs you’re a man:

*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.

*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.

Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.

My grocery list.

1. Don’t run into anyone you know.

2. Eggs

Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.

My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’

Same, kid. Same.