Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.

I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper

Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.

Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly

Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*

My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”

HER: where were u last nite

ME: *turns on airplane mode*

HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.

My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers

[phone rings]

CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer

ME: ?!?

CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid

I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!

It squashed all of my doubts…

And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.

How To Be A Parent

Step 1: have a child

Step 2: your guess is as good as mine

[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]

Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive

[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs

Cop: why were you speeding

Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

#JohnTravolta

I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.

Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy

my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.

oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out

GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste

BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice

Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.

[boxing match]

TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’

CHAMP: I’m not too good at math

TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right

CHAMP: Or politics

Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!