Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?

Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.

Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone

I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby

Waiter: what can I get you?

Me: I’ll have what she’s having

Her: two divorces then please

The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.

I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.

Do one person every day that scares you.

I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo

me: what’s the weather today

weatherman: party sunny

me: and tomorrow?

weatherman: partly cloudy

me: what’s the difference

weatherman:

me:

weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much

[a red dot appears on my forehead]

HER: Let’s do some role playing

ME: Okay, be ur sister

HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..

ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.

There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.

4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out

Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.

I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur

It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.

Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list

Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.

16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.

[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.

[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this

My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.

Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.

My memoir is titled:

“#2 (not a sequel)”

If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool

Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing

Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.