Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist

I’m not afraid of spiders.

I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.

Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.

There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s

My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…

Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”

Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.

Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder

Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*

*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall

Her: oh my god i’m so wet

Me: have you tried putting it in rice?

The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.

it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)

Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?

Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.

When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?

He is just living hist best little life 😊

Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.

Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.

Me: Throws holy water in her face.

*Neighbor melts

Me: Not today Satan.

I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken

The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning

—my thighs lying about the friction this summer

I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”

Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells

Wife: Who. Was. She

My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.

Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??

me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!

Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.

He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.

And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.

I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.

genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u

me: random rule but ok

genie: seriously don’t even try

me: ok i won’t

genie:

me:

genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work

I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR

10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*