Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery

Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.

My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.

As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.

My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her

Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.

if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.

I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.

“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”

i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.

My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.

Wife: I took a pregnancy test

Me: positive?

Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick

For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.

Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]

Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.

There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.

You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.

I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.

Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”

no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.

One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.

if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

[1st date]

WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?

HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*

DRACULA: *just glares at her*

Don’t leave me alone.

Alone: I have a boyfriend.

Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.

Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.

banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”