“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
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What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Told my teen who has a science project due in a month to work on it a little bit each day instead of waiting until a few days before it’s due to start it.
Him: Is that what you did when you were a kid?
Me: This isn’t about me.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
I’m 36 going on 37.
Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
🍛
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”