Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…

…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.

[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people

CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.

UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*

I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.

*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?

“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”

What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?

“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.

if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.

“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.

My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.

wife: do you need help in there?

me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave

My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us

The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.

Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half

Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.

I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.

Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*

*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*

If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.

Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?

[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota

If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..

Keep. Him. 😂

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

me: how can Americans be so arrogant?

also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*

Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.