“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
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KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.