Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*

Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home

Me: I’m sorr…

*A sippy cup starts crying*

new shirt idea

“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”

– Canadian Dirty Talk

I just died 😂😂😂😂😂

toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities

I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.

I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold

Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.

Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.

they should invent a rest for the wicked

I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.

Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.

What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?

If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!

– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.

I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.

No

one

yums like Gaston

Eats iced plums like Gaston

Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston

3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.

EARTH:

SUN: please dont

EARTH: 🎶you-

SUN: seriously dude come on

EARTH: 🎶spin me right round

SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round

EARTH: 🎶like a record baby

SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round

Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…

It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother

ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out

I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.

The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

[getting dating advice from my dad]

Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid

“Well which one is it?”

mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth

baby birds: yay! dinner time

OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex

My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.

I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.

My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.

I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.

*posts Social Security number on social media*

*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*