So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
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DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
