So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
You Might Also Like
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.