Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it

Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.

Ok, but like, how married are you?

I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.

Five-word horror story:

“I’m going that way too”

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”

Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman

They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.

Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.

At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.

When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

Do you smell smoke?

I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.

Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”

Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution

If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention

My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase

Cilantro tastes like soap.

– People who eat soap, apparently

11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.

Me: Why?

11: To practice making sounds.

Me: You mean notes?

11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.

Lucky us.

well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that

Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep

DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music

How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?

*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok