So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
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“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
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Me too
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I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them