Well now that this is used, it seems I won’t be blowing my nose again til laundry day.
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[my alma mater, the school that took fifty thousand dollars from me, scores a point in the basketball tournament]
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Life has taught me if you go to the store for milk and you’re high, you won’t buy milk. You will spend half your rent on hot pockets though.
I like having conversations on elevators because you know there’s a time limit.
Is it 5 seconds from when it hits the floor or when I see it?
I just noticed a skittle under my desk. I don’t remember eating skittles.
RIP boiling water,
You will be mist.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones