@ParisZarcilla

So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.

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@ibid78

*uses handkerchief*
Well now that this is used, it seems I won’t be blowing my nose again til laundry day.

@InternetHippo

[my alma mater, the school that took fifty thousand dollars from me, scores a point in the basketball tournament]
me: WOOOOOOO

@ArfMeasures

Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this

Her: What, really?

Me: It’s fairer

Her: But I didn’t have wine

Me: You had dessert though

Her: I am 6 years old

Me: Get your money out

@Sirrruh

Life has taught me if you go to the store for milk and you’re high, you won’t buy milk. You will spend half your rent on hot pockets though.

@Jacob_Swift16

I like having conversations on elevators because you know there’s a time limit.

@wtfhuman

Is it 5 seconds from when it hits the floor or when I see it?
I just noticed a skittle under my desk. I don’t remember eating skittles.

@Talk_To_The_Hat

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.

@AnitaHelmet

Him: You’re married?

Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.

Him: What about on Friday?

Me: Depends how Thursday goes.

@loudmouth_usa

Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones