So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
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I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Cake safety first. Always.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Okay this one takes it home
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!