So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
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The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
wtf
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Smile Twitter, Smile.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.