YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
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Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?