@TingyS

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

You Might Also Like

@david8hughes

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

@hunz74

Can’t quit smoking? Wear mittens all the time.

@chrisrockozfan

Most people don’t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.

@noog

Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous

@tinytittays

Driving with me is like being trapped in a tiny karaoke bar that doesn’t serve booze and the worst singer won’t get off the stage.

@LizHackett

“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect

@Breadery

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

@CAshmanActor

amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one

@YoungNobler

Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line