“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
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Can’t quit smoking? Wear mittens all the time.
Most people don’t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Driving with me is like being trapped in a tiny karaoke bar that doesn’t serve booze and the worst singer won’t get off the stage.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
oh no, steve’s working tonight