@TingyS

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

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@DaveOshry

YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.

WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.

THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.

@ItsAndyRyan

Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.

@TheTweetOfGod

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

@_elvishpresley_

[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-

phew.

wait…

[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-

motherf

@mortimermaiden

Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.

@Cpin42

My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.

@FunkyFresh_79

“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”

-me, trying to put a crib together

@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!

@gerryhatric

According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.

@MeetingBoy

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?