So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
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My dryer is celebrating lint.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.