So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
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It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Dishonest mechanic?
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much