Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.

Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*

My neighbor: Good Morning!

Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?

😭😭

3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?

We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:

Omelet Easydozen

Florentine Pepperbatter

“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker

I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.

Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”

Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants

Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.

[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.

*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.

I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.

Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.

[Kid Training Headquarters]

Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.

girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over

Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits

Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.

Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.

Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.

It cost me an arm and a leg!

When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.

Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander

who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane

The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.

My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons