So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
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I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
[police questioning a friend about my murder]
Police: Did he have any enemies
Friend: Boy did he ever
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Social Media and Real life
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
sometimes i miss this memes
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.