Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy

TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos

[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese

Girlfriend: Yes probably more

Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.

A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.

[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s

*Arrives in Hell*

Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math

[begging for change]

POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE

POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn

Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.

Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.

ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”

When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.

If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.

🤣😂🤣😂

goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up

I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.

Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*

Demon: *possesses me*

Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit

Demon: same time next week?

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.

[Frankenstein Castle]

MAMA: You need to make more friends

VICTOR: Fine…

{later}

MAMA: I should have been more specific

Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?

Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.

[home schooling, day 1]

Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.

[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]

I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.

the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”