Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.

If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious

Amen

My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart

.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?

piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists

At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.

Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?

70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.

She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.

I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me

I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack

Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural

*later on date*

Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo

Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street

Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.

Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party

Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery

Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus

When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?

It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…

Don’t have kids.

time as an adult:

Halloween

(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving

(5 minutes later)
Christmas

Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands

My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.

He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.

But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.

Seriously why do people do this to themselves?

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: heavy-handed product placement

professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good

[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls

struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]