So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
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The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
*drops something sharp*
Brain: catch it with your foot
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
long lost
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
My wedding will be open casket.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*