Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:

“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”

“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.

She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!

Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.

They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”

Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.

Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.

DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era

ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*

Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.

Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?

If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.

ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?

HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that

when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom

This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.

Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.

me: how can Americans be so arrogant?

also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*

Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.

“No screens allowed.”

On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.

“This is your mother now.”

Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]

My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.

ethics professor: ur failing my class

me: [slides over $20] how about now

“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.

The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.

[trying to get a massage]

How much for a happy ending?

“Sir, this is a library!”

*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?

Me: I think I’m just scared of change.

Therapist: *flips a quarter*

Me: *screams*

her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what

Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg

*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.

[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”

I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore

I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.