Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.

😂

I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂

Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .

Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.

Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.

Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?

Gang member: *cocks gun*

Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.

You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.

scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?

other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?

scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours

White parent Vs Arab parents

I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.

My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days

Me: I only use one side of my brain.

Them: Which side?

Me: The bad one.

i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure

An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.

Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby

My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.

Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything

Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.

My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met

God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead

[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good

4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …

6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …

Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?

(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.

*accidentally answers phone call*

*pretends to be answering machine*