So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
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I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
You might just have to resign…
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw