So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
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[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.