So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
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*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Battery falling down a hole
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.