Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.

the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh

Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?

Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?

Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!

waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?

hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing

“Just circling back on this.”

“Take another lap.”

dentist: have you been flossing

me: have you?

dentist: [to assistant] can he do that

Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch

If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..

Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?

Me: uh no

WCD: how about moomoo?

Me: can I have something in between?

WCD: no can do

I’m thinking about giving up sugar.

Ok. I’m done thinking about it.

If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.

*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.

Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??

Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that

He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.

[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep

GOD: [on his phone] Hang on

ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok

I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.

My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass

Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}

Just the best dancing sandwiches.

Remember to drink the alcohol with the closest Best Before date first today.

*writes “Tomorrow” on the vodka

The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February

made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich

💀🤣