Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out

People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit

If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.

There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery

I’m never leaving this app.

[Friday 5pm]

Me: *shutting down computer*

Computer: have a good weekend 🙂

[Monday 8am]

Me: omg you’re still on

Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this

The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.

A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one

Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”

you stereotypes are all alike

Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.

I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.

Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: That’s crazy

[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???

giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first

me: ah sorry martin

medium rat demon: come back to bed baby

If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?

It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.

Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.

Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

I want that job. I could really screw with some people.

I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.

They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.

Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.

Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero

In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’

Leaving my son at college

Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning

Husband: Love ya bud

The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.

When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.

Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-

group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne

Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman

My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!

Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son

My son: say your line mummy!

Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE