So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
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I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
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When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
I’m sure it’s fine.
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My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
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Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
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