Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”

Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”

her: i’m having trouble walking after last night

me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.

Them: “Did you know you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?”

Me: “Oh my brain does that when I’m out and I see people I know”

Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.

Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind

Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.

Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.

I checked.

Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.

when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops

Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.

Become a minion. Get that bread.

My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.

So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.

An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.

You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble

FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.

*power walks to the refrigerator*

one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)

so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct

when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn

Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*

God: *creates mom look*

Angel: Are you mad?

God: No, just disappointed

Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?

Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*

Yes, yes I do

Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL

what is cheese if not milk persevering

American Horror Story: Public Restroom