Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most

My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.

i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”

There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything

[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this

Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘golfed’

“May I have it in a sentence please?”

Sure. He golfed with a tee.

“G-O-L-F-T”

Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.

I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.

Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.

I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.

Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.

*At the magic show*

Magician: Now I need a volunteer

Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*

Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT

*queen’s gambit*

dad: knight takes queen

daughter: *3D prints new queen*

Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving

Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band

[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]

hi, I would like to make a return

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house

And that’s why Uber was created

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!

Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes

[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.

Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬

I love it

The photographer’s assistant

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24

since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.