So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
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I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Morning my dudes.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions
And send
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
